I was not the...
- sharpest cheddar on the board
- brightest Crayola in the box
- sharpest knife in the block
- brightest bulb in the chandelier
- sharpest tool in the shed
- ...insert your own intelligence analogy here
as a child.
Who knows whether I hold any of these crowns as an adult, even though the statistics suggest a certain competence in the brain department. But anyway, as I remember it I was not what one would call brilliant when I was little. Or maybe it's perfectly normal to be uber-literal and naive.
I remember my Grandma being in quite a tizzy over the toaster when I was preschool aged. This would have been in the late sixties and we were in rural Iowa, so I have no idea how long she had been using electrical appliances regularly. I doubt if it had been her whole life, 'cause there was definitely some discomfort there. Even I could sense that. She used to go around unplugging EVERYTHING before we left the house so it wouldn't burn down. But the toaster.....wow. She used to tell my brother and I, and my cousins, and anyone who was nearby that-
You Don't Stick a Fork in the Toaster!!!
Especially not this toaster.That could kill a man, sticking a fork in the toaster.
I would nod soberly and I'd try to stay the hell away from the toaster since it upset Grandma so. But in the back of my mind, thoughts would pop up....
Why would anyone go near the toaster with a fork? Surely a fork will do you no good when toast requires things like butter or jam or peanut butter. I'll just stick with a knife, thank you very much.
And what does the toaster have against men anyway? I have changed my mind! I WILL go near the toaster! I will definitely be getting my Dad's toast for him as much as possible since the toaster seems to have it in for him. My brother is in the clear, what with him only being a boy and all, but Dad? Even if he's carrying no flatware at all I shall get him his toast, for I am just a little girl and the toaster is only interested in killing MEN. Grandma said as much, and old people know these things!
As small children are wont to do, I would get very hyped up for the holidays, especially anything involving me getting presents and/or candy. When the radio announcers began saying "Halloween/Christmas/Easter is right around the corner!", I would go into a frenzy. Since we lived on a farm, corners were not in abundance and my mother probably wondered why I was always so eager to go to town. When there was nothing right around the corner, trips to town usually consisted of a boring trip to the grocery store and to the meat locker.
*side note* I don't know how it works now, but when I was little, we got our meat from the locker. I actually don't really know how it worked then. All I know is that we would go into this freezing cold vault to our little carnivore safe deposit box and withdraw what we wanted to eat until the next visit. I guess we bought a cow or pig or something and they kept it there for us. Like Gringott's, but for meat. I LOVED going there in the summer....for about three minutes. Then I was begging to go back outside to the hot.
BUT....the excitement of going to town when there was a holiday JUST AROUND THE CORNER! I ran ahead of my mom and brother and stealthily peeked around every corner we approached, hoping to catch a glimpse of whatever holiday lurked there. Those holidays....they were always a little too quick for me. They always ducked into the alley at the last minute and I could never seem to catch them. Once I thought I saw a fairy wing flit out of sight but since fairies have nothing to do with Easter I figured she was just running errands or something. One day I was convinced that THIS TIME I was going to capture summer and keep it forever, but alas! the next day it was still mid-May and I still had to go to school.
Childhood can be very disappointing for a kid who believes her imagination.
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