Okay...so rules. Here's the thing about rules. There are certain fundamentals that cause a civilization in forward motion to continue moving...well, forward. Our country's near-universal awareness of Kardashians makes me wonder if the forward progress train has actually shifted into reverse, but I'm gonna go with optimism today. So, among these fundamentals are grammar, spelling, manners and rules. Rules are not here to inspire you to make up your own more creative personal rules that are just for you. No. YOU are supposed to follow the ones they give you. And yes, some of them are not "written down" anywhere. These are called UNWRITTEN RULES! Follow them anyway, dahmmit. Our society is on the verge of implosion and if you're among the ones making up your own crap, it's all your fault!
We'll start small....
The flat expanse of concrete or asphalt with the painted line pattern is called a parking lot. You're supposed to put your car there while you're inside taking 24 things through the 20 or fewer line. (Yes, I know in the store it's called the 20 or less line. That doesn't make it correct.) Or when you're just picking up movie tickets for later. Or when you're "really quickly" returning a pair of shoes. When you leave your car in the parking lot where it belongs, other people don't have to play bumper cars with it like they do when it's on the pretty stripey pattern right by the front door. No one cares that you're in a hurry. We're all in a hurry. And no, it won't ever be "just for a minute". You know better than that.
I also do not care that someone just dropped you off and they're waiting in the car that is nonetheless sitting where I'm supposed to be able to walk. Having someone in the car does not make it any less in the way. It does give me someone to give the stink eye to but they know better than to make eye contact. AND I might add....that spot is reserved for the emergency vehicle that might have to come carry YOU away when someone's little darling decides to "help Mommy" by pushing the cart-right into your Achilles tendon. Usually it's mine, but today could be your lucky day!
I understand this desire to avoid the parking lot. We have fewer and fewer parking spots these days. It started with the handicapped spots (is it okay to call them that?) (shrug) Let me be clear--I'm totally on board with these spots. I do wish they would all remove those hangtags when they're driving. But that's not the point. After the reserved spots for the mobility challenged came the special spots for new and expectant parents. Well...maybe I'd dig that one a little more if they had been there when I was an expectant/new parent. There's a spot for security. Fine.
But now, at my grocery store, there are spots reserved for their make and take meal center. You know what I mean--they chop everything up and you go in and assemble a bunch of meals to put in the freezer. It takes like two hours. It seems to me that if you're going to be in the store for two hours it wouldn't immediately kill you to park a little further out. For God's sake, it's not even open half the time! I'm waiting for the day when the entire outer edge of the parking lot is reserved for fat-asses who need the exercise.
And also--in the store, if you should run into your long lost bestie and just HAVE to catch up right there, park your carts accordingly. There is nothing other people hate more than breaking up your tearful reunion in the cereal aisle..."excuse me, could you move it along there, sister?" Don't side by side your carts while you wile away the time comparing your Prada knockoffs. And don't think you have anyone fooled either. Not in this neighborhood, honey.
....to be continued....
PS...Full disclosure, this was written pre-blog and there have been some changes. The sign in the store now actually says "20 items or fewer" and the make and take place is no more. So those two spots are now normal parking spots. I'd like to think that I telepathically had something to do with the sign correction. Alas, I did not.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Bugs and shoes
Today I was in the church parking lot chatting with KDHD while Spouse was inside having a chat with our Pastor. Suddenly a small grasshopper flew at her torso. She started a bit, then nonchalantly brushed the grasshopper away. We are not like those girls...you know- the ones who scream and writhe and freak out at the sight of anything with antennae. BUT the grasshopper flew directly at my face and I naturally swatted at it. Just because I don't fear the bug does not mean I invite it for tea. But the critter dropped straight down and into my cleavage, where it decided to just chill out right there in my dress for a while. So that was fun.
After I evicted my little friend from his new home, KDHD noticed a pair of shoes sitting next to a street light on one of those little island thingies in the parking lot. They were black high heels, kind of big...size nine. Okay, they weren't exactly cross-dresser big, but still big. The height of the heels made them look even bigger. We were bored so I had to try them on. Oh, don't be so grossed out. It had rained the day before. I don't really know what I would have done if they had fit ('cause a 9 is not really that big for me), but they didn't so we took them inside, put them in lost and found, collected the Spouse and came home. Where we made and consumed BLTs. With fresh tomatoes from the garden.
After I evicted my little friend from his new home, KDHD noticed a pair of shoes sitting next to a street light on one of those little island thingies in the parking lot. They were black high heels, kind of big...size nine. Okay, they weren't exactly cross-dresser big, but still big. The height of the heels made them look even bigger. We were bored so I had to try them on. Oh, don't be so grossed out. It had rained the day before. I don't really know what I would have done if they had fit ('cause a 9 is not really that big for me), but they didn't so we took them inside, put them in lost and found, collected the Spouse and came home. Where we made and consumed BLTs. With fresh tomatoes from the garden.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Theatre RULES!
I'm eating a popsicle and thinking about what I want to write about the theatre. I can't really type with a popsicle in one hand.
*KDHD- You can't really type at all.
*Mom- True.
So anyway, I love the theatre...and not in a snotty way, like I don't say theatah, or anything. Nor do I say theeayter. So I'm just a middle of the road kind of girl who likes plays and musicals. I've been living in the St. Louis area for quite a while now and I have to say, there are some fantastic things here. Seriously, the theatre scene here is huge and awesome. The reason I know this is because I have a job and every Monday during lunch my companions are telling each other about the play/musical they saw over the weekend. I on the other hand, tend not to leave my house once I get home for the weekend because, a) on Friday I'm an exhausted mess and would fall asleep before the curtain opened, b) on Saturdays it's too much effort to catch up on household crap AND shower and look presentable, and c) Sunday is church/nap day. But not at the same time. Pretty much.
SO, we have the Fabulous Fox Theatre. It. Is. Gorgeous. Check it out...here.... It has this massive pipe organ and a really magnificent chandelier that defies the common conception of a chandelier. When Phantom of the Opera played there, they probably worried that the real chandelier was going to upstage the fake one in the play. I would have, anyway. The very first show I saw at the Fox was The Rugrats Live! (or something like that...and yes, we took the kids). Singing, dancing babies with giant heads set against the Fox's ornate decor was a veritable visual oxymoron. Luckily, subsequent shows have been more in keeping with the nature of the place.....that is, fabulous.
We have another theatre called The Muny. I'm quite sure it has a longer name than that, but it pretty much goes by The Muny. It's in Forest Park, which is the Big Park in St. Louis. The Muny is an outdoor venue, so it only runs in the summer. It was built in this big depression in the park, so it's like this natural amphitheater, which is pretty cool. The Muny has always had a section of free seats...you just come early, get in line, picnic, play frisbee...whatever. I've never done this but KDHD has. I love The Muny, but it has a few issues, none of which are its fault.
Problem number one.....it is in St. Louis. This city has a lot of things going for it, but summer here is just plain effing hot. Hot and humid. And I like the heat. So when I say it's hot, well, you know. So. Problem number two....I don't know what the deal is with outdoor theatre, but people seem to think it's a big honkin' sing along. Plus, they tend to put on a lot of classic shows, which means half the people in the audience were in that very show in high school. I'm sitting there, enjoying West Side Story and suddenly the girl next to me is belting out I Feel Pretty!
HEY...did you buy a ticket to this show?
You did?
ME TOO!
Do you have a program?
IS YOUR NAME IN IT?
NO?
Shut up!!
So as you can see, I do manage to catch an occasional show and I have to say there is something that happens here that is pretty flippin' annoying. Part of me hopes this doesn't occur where you live, and part of me does, because then I would feel better about my town. I refer here to what is known as the St. Louis Standing Ovation. At the end of the show, before the bows even begin, much of the crowd is already on their feet. The first time I witnessed this phenomenon, I began to stand up with them, thinking, "Well, the show was good, but Rugrats? Really? Am I missing something here?" It turns out I was missing something as I realized that these people were not applauding, nor were they showing any kind of appreciation for the performers whatsoever. THEY WERE LEAVING! They were getting the hell out of Dodge so they could beat the traffic! I was horrified! And I see it at every show...no matter whether it's a Broadway touring company or local theatre. How rude.
So....the rules (see what I did there? Look at the title....now look here again...heh, heh, heh.)
1) Come to St. Louis and go to a show at the Fox. Enjoy it and keep your ass in or (in the event of a real standing ovation) slightly above your seat until after the bows.*
2) Come to St. Louis and go to a show at The Muny. Follow the above rule, but also KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Bring something with which to fan yourself. It won't help, but at least you can feel like you tried.*
3) Come to St. Louis and attend a performance at one of our million other venues (none of which I meant to slight by not mentioning them but there are sooooo many, plus I'm pretty sure nobody affiliated with them reads this blog so who cares anyway?)
*BTW...went to the Muny last night for the first time in a few years. In the program there is the usual list of *ahem* suggestions for the audience, i.e. turn off your cell phone, no recording allowed, etc. The final two "suggestions" (and I'm paraphrasing) were, don't sing along and keep your ass in the theatre until the bows are over. YESSSSS!
So there you go. I don't really have a good way to end this.
*KDHD- You can't really type at all.
*Mom- True.
So anyway, I love the theatre...and not in a snotty way, like I don't say theatah, or anything. Nor do I say theeayter. So I'm just a middle of the road kind of girl who likes plays and musicals. I've been living in the St. Louis area for quite a while now and I have to say, there are some fantastic things here. Seriously, the theatre scene here is huge and awesome. The reason I know this is because I have a job and every Monday during lunch my companions are telling each other about the play/musical they saw over the weekend. I on the other hand, tend not to leave my house once I get home for the weekend because, a) on Friday I'm an exhausted mess and would fall asleep before the curtain opened, b) on Saturdays it's too much effort to catch up on household crap AND shower and look presentable, and c) Sunday is church/nap day. But not at the same time. Pretty much.
SO, we have the Fabulous Fox Theatre. It. Is. Gorgeous. Check it out...here.... It has this massive pipe organ and a really magnificent chandelier that defies the common conception of a chandelier. When Phantom of the Opera played there, they probably worried that the real chandelier was going to upstage the fake one in the play. I would have, anyway. The very first show I saw at the Fox was The Rugrats Live! (or something like that...and yes, we took the kids). Singing, dancing babies with giant heads set against the Fox's ornate decor was a veritable visual oxymoron. Luckily, subsequent shows have been more in keeping with the nature of the place.....that is, fabulous.
We have another theatre called The Muny. I'm quite sure it has a longer name than that, but it pretty much goes by The Muny. It's in Forest Park, which is the Big Park in St. Louis. The Muny is an outdoor venue, so it only runs in the summer. It was built in this big depression in the park, so it's like this natural amphitheater, which is pretty cool. The Muny has always had a section of free seats...you just come early, get in line, picnic, play frisbee...whatever. I've never done this but KDHD has. I love The Muny, but it has a few issues, none of which are its fault.
Problem number one.....it is in St. Louis. This city has a lot of things going for it, but summer here is just plain effing hot. Hot and humid. And I like the heat. So when I say it's hot, well, you know. So. Problem number two....I don't know what the deal is with outdoor theatre, but people seem to think it's a big honkin' sing along. Plus, they tend to put on a lot of classic shows, which means half the people in the audience were in that very show in high school. I'm sitting there, enjoying West Side Story and suddenly the girl next to me is belting out I Feel Pretty!
HEY...did you buy a ticket to this show?
You did?
ME TOO!
Do you have a program?
IS YOUR NAME IN IT?
NO?
Shut up!!
So as you can see, I do manage to catch an occasional show and I have to say there is something that happens here that is pretty flippin' annoying. Part of me hopes this doesn't occur where you live, and part of me does, because then I would feel better about my town. I refer here to what is known as the St. Louis Standing Ovation. At the end of the show, before the bows even begin, much of the crowd is already on their feet. The first time I witnessed this phenomenon, I began to stand up with them, thinking, "Well, the show was good, but Rugrats? Really? Am I missing something here?" It turns out I was missing something as I realized that these people were not applauding, nor were they showing any kind of appreciation for the performers whatsoever. THEY WERE LEAVING! They were getting the hell out of Dodge so they could beat the traffic! I was horrified! And I see it at every show...no matter whether it's a Broadway touring company or local theatre. How rude.
So....the rules (see what I did there? Look at the title....now look here again...heh, heh, heh.)
1) Come to St. Louis and go to a show at the Fox. Enjoy it and keep your ass in or (in the event of a real standing ovation) slightly above your seat until after the bows.*
2) Come to St. Louis and go to a show at The Muny. Follow the above rule, but also KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Bring something with which to fan yourself. It won't help, but at least you can feel like you tried.*
3) Come to St. Louis and attend a performance at one of our million other venues (none of which I meant to slight by not mentioning them but there are sooooo many, plus I'm pretty sure nobody affiliated with them reads this blog so who cares anyway?)
*BTW...went to the Muny last night for the first time in a few years. In the program there is the usual list of *ahem* suggestions for the audience, i.e. turn off your cell phone, no recording allowed, etc. The final two "suggestions" (and I'm paraphrasing) were, don't sing along and keep your ass in the theatre until the bows are over. YESSSSS!
So there you go. I don't really have a good way to end this.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Are all kids this stupid, or was it just me?
I was not the...
- sharpest cheddar on the board
- brightest Crayola in the box
- sharpest knife in the block
- brightest bulb in the chandelier
- sharpest tool in the shed
- ...insert your own intelligence analogy here
as a child.
Who knows whether I hold any of these crowns as an adult, even though the statistics suggest a certain competence in the brain department. But anyway, as I remember it I was not what one would call brilliant when I was little. Or maybe it's perfectly normal to be uber-literal and naive.
I remember my Grandma being in quite a tizzy over the toaster when I was preschool aged. This would have been in the late sixties and we were in rural Iowa, so I have no idea how long she had been using electrical appliances regularly. I doubt if it had been her whole life, 'cause there was definitely some discomfort there. Even I could sense that. She used to go around unplugging EVERYTHING before we left the house so it wouldn't burn down. But the toaster.....wow. She used to tell my brother and I, and my cousins, and anyone who was nearby that-
You Don't Stick a Fork in the Toaster!!!
Especially not this toaster.That could kill a man, sticking a fork in the toaster.
I would nod soberly and I'd try to stay the hell away from the toaster since it upset Grandma so. But in the back of my mind, thoughts would pop up....
Why would anyone go near the toaster with a fork? Surely a fork will do you no good when toast requires things like butter or jam or peanut butter. I'll just stick with a knife, thank you very much.
And what does the toaster have against men anyway? I have changed my mind! I WILL go near the toaster! I will definitely be getting my Dad's toast for him as much as possible since the toaster seems to have it in for him. My brother is in the clear, what with him only being a boy and all, but Dad? Even if he's carrying no flatware at all I shall get him his toast, for I am just a little girl and the toaster is only interested in killing MEN. Grandma said as much, and old people know these things!
As small children are wont to do, I would get very hyped up for the holidays, especially anything involving me getting presents and/or candy. When the radio announcers began saying "Halloween/Christmas/Easter is right around the corner!", I would go into a frenzy. Since we lived on a farm, corners were not in abundance and my mother probably wondered why I was always so eager to go to town. When there was nothing right around the corner, trips to town usually consisted of a boring trip to the grocery store and to the meat locker.
*side note* I don't know how it works now, but when I was little, we got our meat from the locker. I actually don't really know how it worked then. All I know is that we would go into this freezing cold vault to our little carnivore safe deposit box and withdraw what we wanted to eat until the next visit. I guess we bought a cow or pig or something and they kept it there for us. Like Gringott's, but for meat. I LOVED going there in the summer....for about three minutes. Then I was begging to go back outside to the hot.
BUT....the excitement of going to town when there was a holiday JUST AROUND THE CORNER! I ran ahead of my mom and brother and stealthily peeked around every corner we approached, hoping to catch a glimpse of whatever holiday lurked there. Those holidays....they were always a little too quick for me. They always ducked into the alley at the last minute and I could never seem to catch them. Once I thought I saw a fairy wing flit out of sight but since fairies have nothing to do with Easter I figured she was just running errands or something. One day I was convinced that THIS TIME I was going to capture summer and keep it forever, but alas! the next day it was still mid-May and I still had to go to school.
Childhood can be very disappointing for a kid who believes her imagination.
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